10 ways to stop all those irritating calls...

1. After the telemarketer finishes speaking, ask him/her to marry you.

2. Tell the telemarketer you are busy at the moment, and ask him/her if he/she will give you his/her home phone number so you can call him/her back.

3. Ask them to repeat everything they say, several times.

4. Tell them it is dinner time, BUT ask if they would please hold. Put them on your speaker phone while you continue to eat at your leisure. Smack your food loudly and continue with your dinner conversation.

5. Tell them that all business goes through your agent, and hand the phone to your five year old child.

6. Tell them you are hard of hearing and that they need to speak up...louder...louder...louder!

7. Tell them to speak very slowly because you want to write every word down.

8. If they start out with, "How are you today?", say "I'm so glad you asked, because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these problems............"

9. Cry out in surprise, "Helen, is that you? I've been hoping you'd call! How is the family?" When they insist they are not Helen, tell them to stop joking. This works especially well if the telemarketer is really MALE.

10. Tell the HSBC call center guy to call on your office number. - and give him the ICICI call center number.

Love & Marriage

Love is holding hands in the street.
Marriage is holding arguments in the street.


Love is dinner for 2 in your favorite restaurant.
Marriage is a take home packet.


Love is cuddling on a sofa.
Marriage is one of them sleeping on a sofa.


Love is talking about having children.
Marriage is talking about getting away from children.


Love is going to bed early.
Marriage is going to sleep early.


Love is a romantic drive.
Marriage is arrive on tops curvy tarmac .


Love is losing your appetite.
Marriage is losing your figure.


Love is sweet nothing in the ear.
Marriage is sweet nothing in the bank.


Tv has no place in love.
Marriage is a fight for remote control.


Love is 1 drink and 2 straws.
Marriage is "Don't you think you've had enough!".


Conclusion: "Love is blind, Marriage is an eye opener!"

20 Rules in any office

1. Rule 1. - The Boss is always right.



2. Rule 2. - If the Boss is wrong, see rule 1.


3. Those who work get more work. Others get pay, perks, and promotions.


4. Ph.D. stands for "Pull Him Down". The more intelligent a person, the more hardworking a person, the more committed a person; the more number of persons are engaged in pulling that person down.


5. If you are good, you will get all the work. If you are really good, you will get out of it.


6.. When the Bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves.


7. It doesn't matter what you do, it only matters what you say you've done and what you are going to do.


8. A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the butt.


9. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.


10. The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.


11. If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it...


12. When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.


13.. Following the rules will not get the job done.


14. If it weren't for the last minute, nothing would get done.


15. Everything can be filed under "Miscellaneous" .


16. No matter how much you do, you never do enough.


17. You can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work you are supposed to be doing.


18. In order to get a promotion, you need not necessarily know your job.


19. In order to get a promotion, you only need to pretend that you know your job.


20. The last person that quit or was fired will be held responsible for everything that goes wrong.

Why the hell you bought this car now?

In one fine day, I was returning from school to home, i suddenly noticed that a brand new car is being parked in front of my house .Without getting to know whose car is this, the first question in my mind is " how the car has entered into our corridor, when there is only one person can enter through the main door?".

Immediately one of my father's best friend came to our home and asked whose car is this ?. I told him that I don't have knowledge about that. Immediately he turned to my father and asked " when you bought this car". He replied " yesterday i bought this car".

My father's friend asked " Take me a ride in your new car". "No, I don't know how to drive the car" told my father.

He immediately turned to me and asked " you please take me a ride in your new car". Me too gave him the same answer to him. Irritated father's friend shouted as " Both of you don' know how to drive the car?, Then why the hell you bought this car?"

My father replied to him as " See, when my child's grow up and get married, they would settle in their own house and stay away from us for their work needs. At that time i need a car to visit them often without any hassle. That's why i bought this car.

My father's friend asked calmly " What's the age of your childrens now?"

at that time i was studying in 2nd Standard 'B' Section

Confusing English language

Some of CONFUSING ENGLISH make me headache, would u help me?

1. If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?

2. Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?

3. If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?

4. If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?

5. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

6. Why the man who invests all your money called a broker?

7. If horrific means to make horrible, does terrific mean to make terrible?

8. Why is it called building when it is already built?

9. If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?

10. If you're not supposed to drink and drive, then why do bars have parking lots?

11. If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?

12. If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?? Human ??

13. If working hours are meant for working, then why are you reading this??

Bang ur head on the wall if u dont know the answer

Recently a company had participated in IIM's Placement Sessions. They asked some interesting questions to students during recruitment.

Here are some of them:-
************ ********* **
1. There is one word in the English language that is always pronounced incorrectly. What is it?
********
2. A man gave one son 10 cents and another son was given 15 cents. What time is it?
********
3. A boat has a ladder that has six rungs, each rung is one foot apart. The bottom rung is one foot from the water.
The tide rises at 12 inches every 15minutes. High tide peaks in one hour. When the tide is at it's highest, how many rungs are under water?
********

4. There is a house with four walls. Each wall faces south. There is a window in each wall. A bear walks by one of the windows. What color is the bear?
********
5. Is half of two plus two equal to two or three?
********
6. There is a room. The shutters are blowing in. There is broken glass on the floor. There is water on the floor. You find Sloppy dead on the floor. Who is Sloppy? How did Sloppy die?
********
7. How much dirt would be in a hole 6 feet deep and 6 feet wide that has been dug with a square edged shovel?
********
8. If I were in Hawaii and dropped a bowling ball in a bucket of water which is 45 degrees F, and dropped another ball of the same weight, mass, and size in a bucket at 30 degrees F, both of them at the same time, which ball would hit the bottom of the bucket first?
Same question, but the location is in Canada ?
********
9. What is the significance of the following: The year is 1978, thirty-four minutes past noon on May 6th.
********
10. If a farmer has 5 haystacks in one field and 4 haystacks in the other field, how many haystacks would he have if he combined them all in the center field?
********
11. What is it that goes up and goes down but does not move?
********
The answers are...
********
1. The word "incorrectly. "
********
2. 1:45. The man gave away a total of 25 cents. He divided it between two people. Therefore, he gave a quarter to two.
********
3. None, the boat rises with the tide. Googly ;-)
********
4. White. If all the walls face south, the house is at the North pole, and the bear, therefore, is a polar bear.
********
5. Three. Well, it seems that it could almost be either, but if you follow the mathematical orders of operation, division is performed before addition.
So... half of two is one. Then add two, and the answer is three.
********
6. Sloppy is a (gold)fish. The wind blew the shutters in, which knocked his goldfish-bowl off the table, and it broke, killing him.
********
7. None. No matter how big a hole is, it's still a hole: the absence of dirt.
********
8. Both questions, same answer: the ball in the bucket of 45 degree F water hits the bottom of the bucket last. Did you think that the water in the 30 degree F bucket is frozen? Think again.
The question said nothing about that bucket having anything in it. Therefore, there is no water (or ice) to slow the ball down...
********
9. The time and month/date/year American style calendar are 12:34, 5/6/78.
********
10. One. If he combines all of his haystacks, they all become one big stack.
********
11. The temperature.
********

Creative designs, great ideas

Cigarettea

Tea bags and pack look like cigarettes. Some fun for you and youre frends. See? - you take a cigarette and drop to hot water cup - and you got tea, because its tea in cigarette (not tobacco). Filter work like float. And there is a common concept for tea and cigarettes is a break to communicate

The Ultimate Bic

Sometimes we need to annotate some telephone number, some name, the supermarket list, and dont find any paper closer. This pen have a little paper roll inside, to resolve this problem.

The shining cuckoo clock

Every hour Jack breask through the door and the famous line " Here's Jhonny"plays followed by the scream of Shelly Duwal

Sand + Time watch

Sand+Time Watch is a project that unites modern technologies and old ways of measuring time. Sand+Time offers its wearer the time in modern electronic hours, but the form of the interface has also been borrowed from an old sand hourglass. The watch functions in two modes. The first, the screensaver, takes the form of a sand hourglass counting a certain time unit set by the user to their preference. (The default setting for the hourglass is to count one minute.) The second mode displays the time in numbers ?? the most common electronic interface for the modern person.

Chocolate Keyboard

so, it's just chocolate keyboard :)

A fresh approach to bringing light to our lives.

8AM is a task lamp constructed simply of braided electric wire.
The flexible wire, once passed through an aluminum clamp, undergoes a ???change of state,??? elegantly transforming into the structural body of the lamp itself. Following the simple construction method, the 8AM task lamp is also powered on/off in an elegant manner.
By touching the aluminum clamp, the user is able to trigger the ever-increasing levels of light output. This simple system consisting of a wire and a clamp, can take on various forms to fill the home, office, or lobby with a pleasant wash of light.
Released as a concept at Salone del Mobile 2007, 8AM has received much attention and garnered rave reviews from the public and professional lighting industry. In addition to the task lamp built, 8AM is illustrated in three other configurations ??? a chandelier, a wall sconce, and a floor lamp.

Rocking Slippers

A hybrid clothing and furniture product that creates a personal and particular space. This project developed under the title of "body extension" and the notion of the extension of the wearable till it gets almost to the territory of independent product. On the one hand, I wanted to explore the ability of our bodies to function differently with this extension, and on the other I wanted to understand privacy within furniture.

Killing Time

Hack a retro gaming light gun with tilt switches to control a vintage digital clock radio.
When the alarm wakes you up, grab the gun and kill it off!

Roller Toaster

2006 Red Dot Award-winning design not only toasts bread, but it also allows the user to watch the slice magically transform before their eyes??from cold and squishy to hot 'n crispy! Roller toaster's compact footprint is exceptionally smaller than conventional toasters and its form (a lot like the classic power strip!) is modern, clean-lined, and adaptable to any environment.

Extreme Budget Cuts

EFFECTIVE OCTOBER 1, 2008 NEW OFFICE POLICY

Dress Code

1) You are advised to come to work dressed according to your salary.
2) If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we will assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise.
3) If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise.
4) If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.

Sick Days

We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work .

Personal Days

Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturdays & Sundays.

Bereavement Leave

This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend the funeral arrangements in your place. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.

Bathroom Breaks

Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open, and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin boa rd under the 'Chronic Offenders' category. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sectioned under the company's mental health policy.

Lunch Break: (Love this one)

* Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy.
* Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure.
* Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints,
frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.

For
The Management

Best smile awards

Best smile awards announced for the past year of 2007. Here are the winners accross the world...

8th place goes to ...

7th place goes to ...

6th place goes to ...

5th place goes to ...

4th place goes to ...

3rd place goes to ...

2nd place winner ...

And the winner is ...

Amazing Sculptures

Ron Mueck is a London-based photo-realist artist. Born in Melbourne,Australia, to parents who were toy makers, he labored on children's television shows for 15 years before working in special effects for such films as Labyrinth, a 1986 fantasy epic starring David Bowie. Eventually Mueck concluded that photography pretty much destroys the physical presence of the original object, and so he turned to fine art and sculpture. In the early 1990's, still in his advertising days, Mueck was commissioned to make something highly realistic, and was wondering what material would do the trick. Latex was the usual, but he wanted something harder, more precise. Luckily, he saw a little architectural decor on the wall of a boutique and inquired as to the nice, pink stuff's nature. Fiberglass resin was the answer, and Mueck has made it his bronze and marble ever since

His work is lifelike but not life size, and being face to face with the tiny, gossiping Two Women (2005) or the monumental woman In Bed (2005) is an unforgettable experience.

Learn important lessons within 10 Minutes ( Part 2 )

Lesson 4

An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing. A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit like you and do nothing?'The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not.'So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.Moral of the storyTo be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.


Lesson 5

A turkey was chatting with a bull. 'I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree' sighed the turkey, 'but I haven't got the energy.''Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull. They're packed with nutrients.'The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch..Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree.He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.Moral of the storyBull Shit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.


Lesson 6

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field. While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was.The dung was actually thawing him out!He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him. Morals of the story(1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.(2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.(3) And when you're in deep shit, it's best to keep your mouth shut! THUS

ENDS THE TEN MINUTE MANAGEMENT COURSE

Learn important lessons within 10 Minutes ( Part 1 )

Lesson 1

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbour.Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you $800 to drop that towel.'After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob, after a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, 'Who was that?''It was Bob the next door neighbour,' she replies.'Great,' the husband says, 'did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?'Moral of the storyIf you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.


Lesson 2

A priest offered a Nun a lift.
She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.The priest nearly had an accident.After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.'Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.'Moral of the storyIf you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.


Lesson 3

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out.The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.''Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk. 'I want to be in the Bahamas , driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.'Puff! She's gone.'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.'Puff! He's gone.'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager.The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after lunch.'Moral of the storyAlways let your boss have the first say.

Abhinav Bindra - First ever Indian to get an Olympic gold medal in singles

Abhinav Bindra clinched the World Champioship gold, the first ever for India in shooting, with a spectacular performance in the air rifle final on Monday.

The 23-year-old Delhi lad, a two-time Olympian, went into the final a joint leader with two others at 597, and shot a 102.1 in a nerve-wracking climax to emerge top from a strong field of 122 shooters from nearly 100 countries.

Wishes to him for this achievement...

Assassination

The KGB had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists — two men and one woman. For the final test, the KGB agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.

"We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. You have to kill her."

The first man said."You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife,"

The agent replies, "Then you're not the right man for this job."

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes.

Then the agent came out with tears in his eyes. "I tried, but I can't kill my wife." The agent replies, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."

Finally, it was the woman's turn. Only she was told to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman.

She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, "You guys didn't tell me the gun was loaded with blanks. So I had to beat him to death with the chair."

Give me a break

Two men, one American and an Indian were sitting in a bar drinking shot after shot.

The Indian man said to the American,

"You know my parents are forcing me to get married to this so called homely girl from a village whom I haven't even met once. We call this arranged marriage. I don't want to marry a woman whom I don't love...I told them that openly and now I have a hell lot of family problems."

The American said, "Talking about love marriages... I'll tell you my story.

I married a widow whom I deeply loved and dated for 3 years."After a couple of years, my father fell in love with my step-daughter and so my father became my son-in-law and I became my father's father-in-law.

The American continued,

My daughter is my mother and my wife my grandmother. More problems occurred when I had a son. My son is my father's brother and so he is my uncle. Situations turned worse when my father had a son. Now my father's son I.e. My brother is my grandson. Ultimately, I have become my own grand father and I am my own grandson.

And you say you have family problems.... Give me a break!!"

Me and My Boss

When I Take a long time to finish, I am slow,

When my boss takes a long time, he is thorough


When I don't do it, I am lazy,

When my boss does not do it, he is busy,


When I do something without being told, I am trying to be smart,

When my boss does the same, he takes the initiative,


When I please my boss, I am apple polishing,

When my boss pleases his boss, he is cooperating,


When I make a mistake, I' am an idiot.

When my boss makes a mistake, he's only human.


When I am out of the office, I am wondering around.

When my boss is out of the office, he's on business.

7 reasons not to mess up with a child

**********
One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head. She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?" Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."

The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, "Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"

**********

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small. The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible. The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah". The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?" The little girl replied, "Then you ask him".

**********

A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work.. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was. The girl replied, "I'm drawing God." The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like." Without missing a beat, or loo king up from her drawing, the girl replied, "They will in a minute."

**********

The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. "Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.' A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher, She's dead."

**********

A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face.. " "Yes," the class said. "Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?" A little fellow shouted, "Cause your feet ain't empty."

**********

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: "Take only ONE. God is watching." Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples.

**********

Software engineer and his wife

Husband - hey dear, I am logged in.

Wife - would you like to have some snacks?
Husband - hard disk full.


Wife - have you brought the saree.
Husband - Bad command or file name.


Wife - but I told you about it in morning
Husband - erroneous syntax, abort, retry, cancel.


Wife - hae bhagwan !forget it where's your salary.
Husband - file in use, read only, try after some time.


Wife - at least give me your credit card, I can do some shopping.
Husband - sharing violation, access denied.


Wife - I made a mistake in marrying you.
Husband - data type mismatch.


Wife - you are useless.
Husband - by default.


Wife - who was there with you in the car this morning?
Husband - system unstable press ctrl, alt, del to Reboot.


Wife - what is the relation between you & your Receptionist?
Husband - the only user with write permission.


Wife - what is my value in your life?
Husband - unknown virus detected.


Wife - do you love me or your computer?
Husband - Too many parameters.


Wife - I will go to my dad's house.
Husband - program performed illegal operation, it will Close.


Wife - I will leave you forever.
Husband - close all programs and log out for another User.


Wife - it is worthless talking to you.
Husband - shut down the computer.


Wife - I am going
Husband - Its now safe to turn off your computer

Sweet Memories from School

Let's start with some theoritical questions and answers

(Note:- If you are not able to read the content of the images, please click on them to get higher pixel rate)

Some mathametical unsolved problems